Pregnancy Isn’t Always Pretty: A Journey to Acceptance.
As I’m sure many of you have guessed, speculated, or seen, I’m pregnant 🤰🏽
Being MIA from the world was never my plan however these past seven months have been truly difficult. Isolation was needed because for many months I could only focus on how to survive. As dramatic as it may sound I have been fighting for my life physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually with this pregnancy. As quickly as I realized I was pregnant at four weeks and five days, I became violently ill at five weeks with hyperemesis gravidarum. Hyperemesis is a pregnancy condition that only 3% of all pregnant women suffer from that causes morning sickness on steroids. This means, for weeks I could barely eat food or drink water without vomiting sometimes to the point of seeing blood. I also couldn’t even get out of bed without experiencing debilitating nausea and vertigo. My everyday life/home environment crumbled around me and business ventures were put on hold as I could barely take care of myself let alone anyone else. Thankfully after being hospitalized in late February, I found the start of relief for me via a lifesaving medicine (Diclegis: Which is the same as 1 Unisom tab and 50 mg of b6 -save your money) and frequent trips to the local Infusion clinic for IVs for hydration. Before this, I was never someone who took prescription meds often as I initially struggled with the idea of doing this every day while pregnant due to possible side effects for the baby however I had no choice. The medicine provided much-needed relief by taking away my debilitating vertigo and nausea! I still struggled with vomiting until the second trimester but at a less frequent rate than before. Without it, I don’t know if I would’ve survived as I already lost almost 20 pounds and well over 10% of my body weight before being 8 weeks pregnant. The severe dehydration and malnutrition that hyperemesis causes can sometimes lead to organ failure, infant loss, or maternal mortality. During my first pregnancy, I had my suspicions that I had HG however my former OB dismissed me despite me losing over 10% of my body weight (I went from 103 to 89 pounds smh!) due to extreme nausea and vomiting. For many women, like myself during my first pregnancy, they’re often denied a true diagnosis of hyperemesis gravidarum and told things like it’s “in their heads”, or “just take some ginger”, or my favorite “oh morning sickness is just a normal part of pregnancy, you’ll be fine”.
Unfortunately, I come from several generations of women who have dealt with the horror of HG which often gets worse with each pregnancy. A recent USC study finally connected the dots between women struggling with hyperemesis gravidarum and genetic gene mutations. My grandma lost teeth while battling HG pregnancies because her babies needed nutrients like calcium. While other women I know have had to make the difficult choice between saving themselves due to impending organ failure or keeping their growing babies. The reversal of Roe Vs. Wade during my hyperemesis pregnancy has honestly made me cry and feel despair countless times. To think that a possible future pregnancy could result in me having to have an abortion to save my life while also knowing that in my state of Georgia abortions are banned after six weeks…I was almost eight weeks pregnant when I was rushed to the hospital due to severe dehydration, vertigo with nausea & vomiting, and going in and out of consciousness. In a fragile state like that, many women with hyperemesis organ failure no matter how well off will be unable to save their lives by traveling to other states to terminate their pregnancy. I’ve always been pro-choice but this pregnancy has solidified to me how abortion is truly healthcare! No matter someone’s situation or reason, a woman should always have the right to choose.
Taken May 2nd, 2022 at EID Prayer. 16 weeks pregnant.
Thankfully, my HG hasn’t been as nearly severe as other women (I got much better around 19 weeks - a small percentage of women can be sick their entire pregnancy) however, the effects of HG still linger with me mentally, emotionally, and physically. From vitamin deficiency (as I can now finally take vitamins without vomiting or getting extreme heartburn that medicine couldn’t cure), my eating habits changed after weeks of being unable to eat, and my fight to stay hydrated due to the inner voice in my head being scared to drink too much water due to being unable to keep water down for weeks.
20 week Anatomy scan of our beautiful daughter.
A constant blessing throughout this pregnancy has been the health of my baby - she’s healthy and measuring a week ahead! 🙌🏽 As someone who experienced the crushing effects of a miscarriage in late October (I didn’t realize I was pregnant until the miscarriage started - Natural Cycle’s algorithm does not work btw!!), it’s been hard to accept how downright awful this pregnancy has been for me while still being grateful that I was able to conceive. I often find myself feeling guilty about being truthful with others about how awful pregnancy has been for me but it’s my truth. For some, pregnancy is easy and a breeze but for others like myself it’s not pretty or fun. It’s been months of therapy throughout this pregnancy to get me here, but I’m finally accepting it. This has been my reality for a few seasons of my life, it won’t always be like this but for now, I’m accepting my reality.
20 weeks in South Beach Miami.
In a way, my isolation allowed me to rebirth a new version of myself. I’ve shed so many versions of myself within this pregnancy, each layer bringing me closer to the woman I’m supposed to be. Therapy and the support of my friends, family, birth center staff, and Doula have been my saving grace. As I write this while on bed rest (July had a lot going on!), I’m soaking in this year and realizing that the major lessons I’m learning with this pregnancy are how to 1. Rest and 2. To allow people in my community to show up for me by being vulnerable about what’s going on. I’m so used to being the person people can rely on during their time of need that it’s been extremely hard for me to be vulnerable and say that I need help. These lessons are still uncomfortable but I’m surrendering and allowing myself to be taken care of with the same love and care that I give others. Words cannot express how thankful I am for my friends and family who have lifted me out of the darkest time in my life. Their love, prayers, and hope kept me going during times when I truly didn’t think I could make it.
