A Mother’s Happiness Determines If a Child Thrives

As I lay here on Mother’s Day, contemplating the past year's journey, I can’t help but reflect on the profound truth that a mother’s happiness is the key to her children thriving. This past year has been a whirlwind of change for me and my family. From navigating shifts in my relationship status to adjusting to a new environment, one constant has remained steadfast: my commitment to prioritizing my own happiness.

The catalyst for this transformation was a profound realization that emerged from the depths of a challenging after-birth experience with my daughter. In the aftermath of that ordeal, as I embarked on a journey of intense therapy and healing, I came to understand the preciousness of life and the importance of choosing a path that nurtures my own joy and fulfillment.

It’s easy for society to prescribe a laundry list of external factors deemed necessary for a child’s well-being: two-parent households, structured guidance, and the list goes on! Yet, amidst these well-intentioned notions, the crux of a child’s ultimate flourishing lies in the simple yet profound equation of maternal happiness.

I’ve made a conscious decision to craft a life that allows me to bask in the warmth of my own happiness. In doing so, I’ve witnessed a remarkable ripple effect unfold. Not only has my own quality of life soared to new heights, but I’ve also observed the profound impact it has had on my children.

In prioritizing my own happiness, I’ve become a more present, patient, and nurturing mother. I’ve cultivated an environment of love, positivity, and stability that serves as a fertile ground for my children to blossom and thrive. They absorb not only the tangible expressions of joy that radiate from me but also the subtle yet powerful message that their mother values her own well-being.

As I eagerly anticipate reuniting with my children later today, I do so with a heart overflowing with gratitude for the journey that has led me to this moment. Motherhood, with all its joys and challenges, is a sacred journey—one that is profoundly enriched when anchored in the boundless wellspring of a mother’s happiness. So here’s to all the mothers out there, may you always remember that your happiness is not just a gift to yourself but a precious legacy bestowed upon your children, ensuring that they too may thrive in the embrace of your love. Happy Mother’s Day.

Pregnancy Isn’t Always Pretty: A Journey to Acceptance.

As I’m sure many of you have guessed, speculated, or seen, I’m pregnant 🤰🏽

Being MIA from the world was never my plan however these past seven months have been truly difficult. Isolation was needed because for many months I could only focus on how to survive. As dramatic as it may sound I have been fighting for my life physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually with this pregnancy. As quickly as I realized I was pregnant at four weeks and five days, I became violently ill at five weeks with hyperemesis gravidarum. Hyperemesis is a pregnancy condition that only 3% of all pregnant women suffer from that causes morning sickness on steroids. This means, for weeks I could barely eat food or drink water without vomiting sometimes to the point of seeing blood. I also couldn’t even get out of bed without experiencing debilitating nausea and vertigo. My everyday life/home environment crumbled around me and business ventures were put on hold as I could barely take care of myself let alone anyone else. Thankfully after being hospitalized in late February, I found the start of relief for me via a lifesaving medicine (Diclegis: Which is the same as 1 Unisom tab and 50 mg of b6 -save your money) and frequent trips to the local Infusion clinic for IVs for hydration. Before this, I was never someone who took prescription meds often as I initially struggled with the idea of doing this every day while pregnant due to possible side effects for the baby however I had no choice. The medicine provided much-needed relief by taking away my debilitating vertigo and nausea! I still struggled with vomiting until the second trimester but at a less frequent rate than before. Without it, I don’t know if I would’ve survived as I already lost almost 20 pounds and well over 10% of my body weight before being 8 weeks pregnant. The severe dehydration and malnutrition that hyperemesis causes can sometimes lead to organ failure, infant loss, or maternal mortality. During my first pregnancy, I had my suspicions that I had HG however my former OB dismissed me despite me losing over 10% of my body weight (I went from 103 to 89 pounds smh!) due to extreme nausea and vomiting. For many women, like myself during my first pregnancy, they’re often denied a true diagnosis of hyperemesis gravidarum and told things like it’s “in their heads”, or “just take some ginger”, or my favorite “oh morning sickness is just a normal part of pregnancy, you’ll be fine”.

Unfortunately, I come from several generations of women who have dealt with the horror of HG which often gets worse with each pregnancy. A recent USC study finally connected the dots between women struggling with hyperemesis gravidarum and genetic gene mutations. My grandma lost teeth while battling HG pregnancies because her babies needed nutrients like calcium. While other women I know have had to make the difficult choice between saving themselves due to impending organ failure or keeping their growing babies. The reversal of Roe Vs. Wade during my hyperemesis pregnancy has honestly made me cry and feel despair countless times. To think that a possible future pregnancy could result in me having to have an abortion to save my life while also knowing that in my state of Georgia abortions are banned after six weeks…I was almost eight weeks pregnant when I was rushed to the hospital due to severe dehydration, vertigo with nausea & vomiting, and going in and out of consciousness. In a fragile state like that, many women with hyperemesis organ failure no matter how well off will be unable to save their lives by traveling to other states to terminate their pregnancy. I’ve always been pro-choice but this pregnancy has solidified to me how abortion is truly healthcare! No matter someone’s situation or reason, a woman should always have the right to choose.

Taken May 2nd, 2022 at EID Prayer. 16 weeks pregnant.

Thankfully, my HG hasn’t been as nearly severe as other women (I got much better around 19 weeks - a small percentage of women can be sick their entire pregnancy) however, the effects of HG still linger with me mentally, emotionally, and physically. From vitamin deficiency (as I can now finally take vitamins without vomiting or getting extreme heartburn that medicine couldn’t cure), my eating habits changed after weeks of being unable to eat, and my fight to stay hydrated due to the inner voice in my head being scared to drink too much water due to being unable to keep water down for weeks.

20 week Anatomy scan of our beautiful daughter.

A constant blessing throughout this pregnancy has been the health of my baby - she’s healthy and measuring a week ahead! 🙌🏽 As someone who experienced the crushing effects of a miscarriage in late October (I didn’t realize I was pregnant until the miscarriage started - Natural Cycle’s algorithm does not work btw!!), it’s been hard to accept how downright awful this pregnancy has been for me while still being grateful that I was able to conceive. I often find myself feeling guilty about being truthful with others about how awful pregnancy has been for me but it’s my truth. For some, pregnancy is easy and a breeze but for others like myself it’s not pretty or fun. It’s been months of therapy throughout this pregnancy to get me here, but I’m finally accepting it. This has been my reality for a few seasons of my life, it won’t always be like this but for now, I’m accepting my reality.

20 weeks in South Beach Miami.

In a way, my isolation allowed me to rebirth a new version of myself. I’ve shed so many versions of myself within this pregnancy, each layer bringing me closer to the woman I’m supposed to be. Therapy and the support of my friends, family, birth center staff, and Doula have been my saving grace. As I write this while on bed rest (July had a lot going on!), I’m soaking in this year and realizing that the major lessons I’m learning with this pregnancy are how to 1. Rest and 2. To allow people in my community to show up for me by being vulnerable about what’s going on. I’m so used to being the person people can rely on during their time of need that it’s been extremely hard for me to be vulnerable and say that I need help. These lessons are still uncomfortable but I’m surrendering and allowing myself to be taken care of with the same love and care that I give others. Words cannot express how thankful I am for my friends and family who have lifted me out of the darkest time in my life. Their love, prayers, and hope kept me going during times when I truly didn’t think I could make it. 

Starting Therapy & Why I Returned

I’d like to start off by first saying that “everyone needs therapy”! Years ago, I didn’t believe this. I didn’t think I was a person who needed to go to therapy or if I did eventually start I would never go on a consistent basis. In my juvenile mind, people but especially if you were Black only went to therapy when you had some serious life issues to resolve. Years ago in high school, I sought out therapy after reaching a very low point in my life. My first therapist ended up hi-jacking the whole hour-long session to talk about her life and how she leaves her family stranded on the weekends because “self-care is essential”. When I tell you I left that appointment so freaked out and vowed I never to go to therapy again because I wasn’t crazy like the therapist I saw was!

Fast forward after my self-love revelation circa 2014, getting married, graduating from college, and having my first son in 2017, I finally took the leap to start my therapy journey. For years after my initial high school therapy appointment I held the notation in my head that, “as long as I kept myself together on the outside and didn't rant to others even if I’m falling apart inside, therapy wasn’t needed”. My initial therapy appointment traumatized me and I wanted to avoid another appointment like it at all costs. Full transparency, in March 2019 I hit a deep depressive state (which I like to believe was due to delayed postpartum depression mixed with stress & anxiety). As I started to watch myself wither away while watching from what felt like the shadows, I realized that if I wanted to save myself I had to find a therapist. I immediately picked up my phone, looked at the digital resource “Therapy for Black Girls” found a therapist & verified them on Psychology Today, and then booked my appointment for the next morning.

Taylor S. Hunter Photography

I continued with my consistent therapy appointments from March 2019 all the way until November 2019 when my perfect therapist left the practice. I was devastated but in true traditional Fatimah fashion, life had to keep going on because I wasn’t finding another therapist! I mean the first one was a perfect match for me and I didn’t want to waste my precious time trying out a new therapist especially since my schedule was BUSY! After the corona-virus pandemic, a crazy busy summer WFH schedule, and several health issues later, therapy returned to the forefront of my mind. This time, it came to me in the form of a dream reminding me of my former therapist's name and gentle nudges for me to search and see what she was up to. After a quick Google search, I found her and reached out to get started again via tele-Sessions in late July of this year. Rekindling my relationship with consistently going to therapy has reminded me that self-care isn’t a luxury, it’s a necessity. You have to set time aside each day to cater and replenish yourself because stress is serious. Trust me, not prioritizing myself has to lead me to be overworked, riddled with anxiety, and experiencing an array of health issues that doctors couldn’t find a reason for despite testing.

Do yourself a favor, start your journey with therapy today. It’ll be the best decision that you can make. Allowing yourself space to just be you - judgment-free.